Tuesday, January 22, 2013

At it again...

I feel so silly writing on here. I doubt anyone would be reading, but I would hope someone gets some sort of laughter from the messes I get myself into.
Not alot happened over the weekend besides reading and resting. Went to a basketball game last night for one of the nephews. It hurt my head trying to listen to the buzzers and the whistles. We got to eat at the new Panda Express. When we came home, had a bit of alone time to read the fifth dragon book, The Dragon's Apprentice, it's good so far, didn't get very far before getting side tracked sadly.
This morning wasn't very eventful, I didn't want to go to class, I wouldn't say hung over, but my stomach was not agreeable this morning at all, Rick's felt the same, wonder if it was something we ate last night? Or drank? Or the snot nosed little kids running around...
I got a call last night I was finally able to return this morning, looks like on the 26th I've got a clown job for an hour. Hope I can get my name out again. I need some money to pay off people, and places...
Angie texted me, I think mum wrote her saying how gloomy I was yesterday when she was talking with me. All I wanted to do was hide and make it go away like the headaches. She's offering help and money, even though she knows I don't like accepting either of those. She also warned again how depression runs in the family and how it's not bad to see a therapist.. "..going to the therapist is something rick people do hehe :P"  I asked what happens when you don't have the money to spend on the therapist, haven't had a reply yet, but I'm curious what she'll say. I hope they can help me on the 26th, and Frick will let me out of class early to catch the bus to the main campus so I wont be late. I hope.
Dad had errands to run today, so he brought in my shirt, yay, tomorrow is more sophomore tours. Found out we've assigned shirts we're suppose to wear, I didn't know this so scrambling to get them from home because I hadn't planned on going back tonight. Oh well, dad got it to me.
Mum also picked up some foam blocks for the kids to play with, and for me to practice drawing. I hope this helps for the perspective drawings I have such issues with, especially since I missed the class on ellipses and curved faces.
Tonight in class Ms Michelle is taking photos of us to work on a self portrait.. She said we can bring our own photos if they don't look right to us. I'm refraining from pulling out my hair in CAD so it'll look decent for tonight. Oh well, if I do, I can bring something in.
I'm still struggling to figure out what my plan is for the next few years... 6 months, 2 years, 5 years... How do I plan that without getting myself all screwed up again? I'm scared I'll burn myself out, I know alot of people do, but I can't stand the thought of wasting more time and money like I have. Suggestions? Please?
I'm still having issues with the dark thoughts, the ones that worry people if they knew how bad it gets, snake face... yes that's his new name because I can't put his name on here without giving too much away, says I should quit asking him, go to the library, find resources on my own, and how he shouldn't have to show me how to use the library like a five year old.... I'm not that bad am I? Correct me if I'm wrong. The college library just confuses the hell out of me because I'm used to single story buildings for library, and the online source goes through news articles, websites, and books.... Too much. He also got mad because I don't like the forums. I don't like it because when I try to search for something still, its irrelevant to what I need. He suggested I make a fake name and start posting questions and concerns... Should I? I want to ask, but I'm worried the wrong people will find it and report back to my family... I don't want them knowing, especially mom and with how her job goes, she has to deal with enough deaths, and she'd flip sh!t if she knew I was suicidal at times. Snakey I can go through Amazon, Hastings, Barnes and Noble's, anything to order, I told him I couldn't do that without money, and not like I'm going to ask mum to help me order those, again, she'd flip. He says I should tell her if I'm really to that point. I don't want to be judged by her or family or more friends. I don't like asking for help, and I'm scared to ask anyone else for it because of that. Am I just being silly but thinking like this? Yet I write on here for anyone to see..?
I wish someone had some advice for me, but I don't know who to ask anymore or where to go or what the hell I'm doing...

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