Sunday, January 20, 2013

How does this go again..?

The weekend hasn't gotten much better, I got Rick back into reading. He has dyslexia, disgraphia, and ADHD so I'm surprised he's interested in any of my books, but at least he's reading. Hey, and it's "Here, There be Dragons" by James A Owens. I'm still quite sad those will never be made into films, well any time soon anyways. They just can't make the publicity they should, hardly anyone I've talked to knows about them. I was reading another Leven Thumps book, I keep getting bored with reading, wondering why I bother. Seems like nothing can hold my attention any longer.
Yesterday I wasn't feeling all that well, oddly felt kinda high/stoned from the medication to the point where I asked Rick if he wanted to have a Tea Party with Dr Pepper and butter round crackers that I thought were tea biscuits. He would have obliged if I'd truly meant it. Maybe tonight or tomorrow if we can be left alone. I feel silly wanting to go back to childhood memories... Maybe being sick causes this, remembering how I used to get sick alot and how little toys and books made the days go by faster. Sadly I cannot spend days at home like I used to....
Today has been one of the long days I wish I could just sleep away, I got rid of the two WhatsApp group chats with the Gnomes, and the Facebook page for them.. What's the point anymore? I doubt they'll even notice I've left. Just another shadow who couldn't speak up and just got run over again and again. Is it wrong I burned the last of those bridges and got rid of what caused so much angst? Did I do that right, or did I just mess up again and screw over what I had left from a false security net.
I got quite angry with Troy today as well in a conversation, he just now noticed about the Nerf Wars with Military Kids, I updated it saying we weren't needed for the 26th... He doesn't understand I can't give anymore heads up on specifications unless I get it through Pam or Mom. He also wants to handle the background checks. I was getting so freaking frustrated trying to explain over and over again that he didn't have the contact details and I was being trusted with people's personal information.. Am I stupid for getting frustrated as I was?

I'm slipping back into that scary bad mood.. Rick's done his best to cheer me up, but what's the point anymore? I'm tired of going through everything foggy and feeling like I can't make any progress, they say I make progress by simply moving. How do I do that when I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm moving to, or for what? I'm lost and I really, really need help... Or am I past the point of help? Because I can't even figure out what's wrong with me, myself? Oh, I've got a psych appointment on the 28th... They asked how high of concern I had for all the issues I had, it's bad when most the page I'd had check marks by, and I wrote a 6 of 7 and wrote in the borderlines saying "I HATE asking for help..."

If anyone is reading this... Is there a way I can fix myself before I go over the edge?

No comments: