Sunday, March 3, 2013

When do you know...

When do you know when its time to pack away the old things, the old dreams, the old hopes and lies that will cease to exist? When do you take out the paper, and write down the lost hopes and strike the match to burn them away, and out of your mind?
I think it's time I gave up on even bothering with the sorority crap, its not going to happen. I can't afford it, I don't have the time, and I won't fit in there anyways. I can't "change" the outlook people have on them, just as me, just one scrawny person, so what's the point?
Time to pack away and sell the old toys and stuffed animals, I can't bring them with me. I remember as a little girl building house plans around having a room with all my old toys, how I'd never get rid of them... but that's not logical, just can't happen. It wont happen. Not in this world...
Speaking of drawing house plans... Time to throw away all the old books with the plans I had in them, no use of those either.... Pack away all the softwares for computers, all my Sims, clean off the computers and pack them up too. No use in this world, it's just a "game" it's not real.
Pack away and sell the old books, the ones I never touched, the ones I'd spend hours and days on.... Time for them to go. Maybe for them to have a new chapter.. No more with me...

When is the right time to give up on old hopes... Of finding lost loved ones, lost things, lost friendships, lost  dreams.... Will I ever see Dave again? Will I ever see Jay and get my things back, even if it's on a bad note? Nope. To either of those.... Both are dead, either physically or metaphorically...

I'm tired... can it just stop yet? Can I burn the last note, the last dream now?

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

*Tap tap tap*

Why are guys such pussies? Seriously? I'm a bit fed up with Rick right now, he's got a headache in the back of his head and neck, something I deal with alot, and he wants to come lay down... He left his laptop at my house last night as well, so I can't go to a meeting I've put off for over a week just so he can use me and my laptop to create the references for the Human Sexuality board I JUST finished back in CAD...
I'm really thinking about banishing him from my house for a while so I can actually do some of my stuff, and get some of my own time in and visit with my friends... Like last night, his buddies are always nagging him to go visit, he's the lucky bastard who actually has a car and isn't obligated anywhere. I told him to go, thinking that he had finished cleaning up the movies down stairs. NOPE, I was wrong, and got the redass for it.. Thanks..
I sound selfish, I know, but I'd like to get to do some stuff on my time, I want to go to town and hang out with my friends, completely blow off homework, chores, and family obligations. I want to get my homework done without having to do someone else's bloody project when they aren't freaking paying me or anything.... I want to do some stuff on my time, go where I want to go without having to go without a bloody body guard constantly.. Nope. Ive got chorse, I've got family, Ive got work to do that's stacking up higher and higher and higher, I don't have a freaking car that works, and with the "snowstorm" that just came in and my parents taking the truck, I'm really fucked... oh yah, that storms? 2".... That was it. At least I got two days off of class, didn't help....
I'm getting very angry and frustrated, I've dropped my morning CAD classes... but where the hell is the rest of my time going? I'm getting to sleep in maybe an hour more than I was, but staying up later working on crap... What the hell is wrong with this picture?

Sunday, February 24, 2013


So what.... I haven't written. I haven't had time. Although idk where the fuck it's going. Not like I'm that busy. I've half days and three night classes. That's it. Where the hell is the rest of my time. Not like I'm out socializing. Not like I'm drawing or being creative... I guess I burned myself out again on that. Whoopee..... Fucking wonderful.
Yah, went to the bloody Vagina Monologue for rick's damn class. Huge snow storm coming in so goodluck finishing this damn project for Wednesday night. I'm not going to finish the commissions so might as well pay Angie back, and cancel on Sam.
Tomorrow's the psych, great. Get to re live last week's session.... Oh well, if I don't I'm just avoiding it. Just like everything else. Just like victimizing.
People who are cutters are lucky. At least they have a way to vent. I've got nothing.
And yes, sex is back down the drain. Rick talked me into it, yah, made like a good time but my mood sunk again after. It doesn't do shit... Oh well.
Fuck the world. Let it go silent. I want it all to go far the fuck away. And leave me the hell alone

Monday, February 18, 2013


Today's just another freaking wonderful day... Yah, I'm back in the bad mood. Andi had to postpone to Friday. I'm in an absolutely miserable mood. And I don't want to deal with the bloody psych today just to find something else wrong with me... I want damn answers, not excuses. I just want to go home. I dont want to talk to him, because will he even listen to what I have to say? Ive told him I've got problems after getting raped... He skipped over it... Fine. Fuckit. Can the world just disappear now?

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Lets have a quick update huh?

So in my world, Wednesday was Ash Wednesday and Ashley's Birthday, Human Sexuality took priority, Sorry Ashley. And worked a deal with Frickles to go part time with no repercussions. Yahoo!

Thursday, Valentines day, Well I never got to go to sleep until 2, because Rick and I were talking real late, talked about why I can't fool around much with him anymore. I'm having way too many flashbacks. Particularly at night and it messes with me, seeing other faces than his, I even showed him Jay's box of memories. Rick had class so I helped with the hugging booth and got a carnation from a random guy, as did the other girls, but I was the special one, Just kidding. Class was quick, went off to OSU and went to art class. She allowed us to go early, I stayed and worked on the self portrait. It's coming along nicely. We went home after that and went to sleep. Ahhh Fridays are nice to sleep in on.

Friday - Rick had a Quiz, but didn't have class early, so we slept in, saw my parents off, and went to our quiz/class. I did rush home at lunch to get Ms Wix and Mr Whisker's costumes because there was a run tonight, and the best costumes would win. We lost to a Mario and Peach, Sarah won with a BatWoman in her underwear. It was very sexy, even I'll agree. We were at the end of the line for the run because Rick started coughing up stuff, and I was having the damn dreamlike states again. Oh, snakeface showed up, he wore a santa hat on his cock... and pretty much nothing else. It was very hard not to take the pins holding it on and stab them in.... Yah, I'm having alot of issues dealing with anger lately.

It's Naked Saturday, The family wont be home until tomorrow late evening, so I'll enjoy this while I can.
*runs off naked and cackling* Seee Yoou Laaaater!

(Oh! and forgot to say, yesterday a meteor exploded mid air in Russia!)

Tuesday, February 12, 2013


I guess I'm just not in the mood to write lately. Being sick with that nasty stomach bug that's going around and has the med clinic at wits end, and my busy schedule, its just too much trouble to keep up with sadly.

Uhh the weekend was good. Rick and I went for a date Saturday to spend Valentines together since I've got class on the 14th. We went and had lunch at Schlotzkies, and went around Stillwater to antique shops. Founds some neat ghosts in there, some spooky as well. Went to have dinner at Chili's, and went to James's birthday, I wasn't happy because they were getting high, and dad's job flashed through my mind. We went and watched James Bond's Skyfall at the union theatre after that and went home. Oh, I also got Rick Spirited Away for Valentines.
Sunday was good, I forgot it was Andi's birthday, so we went out to town again to visit her, She pounced me when we got there. We took her to Sonic, and visited with the Gnomes. Yes I got suckered back into the damn group. Oh well, just have to put up with it for now. After that we went to play Groundies. I sat on the side and talked with Kate and Michael N, apparently he got a good case of the redass and "grewup". I dont quite believe that but whatever. I started getting really sick that night, dry heaving, and gagging, nothing was coming up. Rick and I discussed about how the Noro virus was going around, main campus and Tech.
Next morning, I woke up feeling like hell. I'd been doing more dry heaving that night. Not fun. So we slept in until 10:30. Dad seemed surprised to see us still home, and Rick in my bed. Whoopee....
We went to town, he tucked me in his bed, and went off to his class, I got a doc's appointment at 3:15. We went to that after he got out, they were busy. The doc I was suppose to see was really behind, so they sent another doc in, she was nice, kinda funny, but serious as well. Which was really interesting in the end. She said I was most likely trying to contract that stupid stomach bug, the Noro Virus.. Lovely. I was a few minutes late to my psych appointment, he worked with me on goal planning. I guess I'm a little better off than I was expecting. He said to stop getting so anxious over things because it was just making it worse. He't not sure what to say about the "shadows" now, I did my best to explain they're just ghosts with unfinished business.
We went to CVS after that, they couldn't fill one prescription, hauled butt to my dinky town and they could fill it.
Went home, watched Spirited away and Batman, and slept...Rick actually went back to his room because he felt like they were going to check over the night. I could care less.
He went off to his classes, I stayed home. I've done a few odds and ends things today, mostly just enjoying the bit of time off I get. Played Sims 3, which I haven't done in ages, got a commission from Angie, which brings my art project totals for people up to 6 due by the end of the month at the latest. I need to go upstairs and work on my drawing for art class since I'll miss the class over it tonight. Oh did I mention it's snowing? It's stopped for now, but it's really nice. Hope more comes soon. Funny listening to friends complain about how there is no snow at the college, told them to drive south not far and there is a good dusting. There is suppose to be more tonight, I hope.

Alright, back to bed I go. Maybe I'll crochet on the blankets hmm?

Oh, little tid bit I found today
Really neat photos. may be something to enjoy

Friday, February 8, 2013

Alright, lets see where this takes us...

So tuesday night's class was frustrating, we went back to bottles and cups, but adding books in, so we had to do a complete flowing rough sketch of everything laid out proportionality within five minutes, then had twenty minutes to fine touch the lines but had to keep the hands moving and never stop. My head was throbbing and I was in a crappy mood. Finished class, Rick said it looked wonderful but I felt like it was one of the least good pieces I'd had yet. We went home... We're not staying in town this week since mom's home alone.
I got home and talked to mom, she's concerned how I'm doing, and that I'll break down and completely snap. Uhhh that's happened already hasn't it? She's wondering if I need to drop everything and visit with a counselor for a few months every day and get things fixed. She doesn't want me ending up like Jason.
Wednesday morning came, ugh. I have such a migraine. I forgot to grab the medication, and CVS doesn't have it in yet. Mom didn't get to pick it up later either. I went to my appointment, sadly I can't remember much of it at the moment, we talked alot about whether I should quit meridian, or stay in. He said it wouldn't hurt me either way. More time and possible job, or staying in a field I hate and can't stay awake for and finishing a degree.
I stayed with Rick all morning, went and got a pizza pocket to eat later at lunch, he had to study for a test. I went back to class and ate my pizza pocket, and had a good argument with snakeface how to stay awake in class, how I wasn't with the social group anymore. So fine, I'm back in the stupid chat, doubt i'll make events if I can't get some rest with my current schedule.
We went to the dorms after class, I tried very hard to hold stuff back but I broke down a bit. It wasn't fun. I did my best not to get angry with Rick but he wasn't exactly helping. At least Snakeface explained how and why I was getting angry, I know Rick's right he isn't a specialized therapist, but at least what he says makes some sort of sense.
We went to class, my migraine was killer. Guess what, I got to sit by an open scanner all class scanning people's handprints, so that was absolutely bloody wonderful. It was an interesting class talking about 2D and 4D ratio.
Went home after that, talked to mom, and went to bed. My cycle was hurting bad and causing alot of issues.
Thursday came and went, It was a weird day. The headache was there all day, I didn't make to my night classes and wasn't feeling well, so we went home. I slept, played a bit of Minecraft, watched Downton with Mum and Rick. Off to bed we went. It's nice having Dad gone and being able to curl up with Rick all night long. It's a bit soothing.
Friday came, went to Tech, had our breakfast. Rick left to go study for his quiz and finish his draft. I went to class, talked to Digital Media's second class to talk about the board. Yah, I'm not happy... She wants us to copy off of someone else's board idea and change up a few things. I'm completely against that, yah it's a cool idea, but no! I do NOT want to plagiarizer...
Well... This is lunch, I think I'll post this and just play some minecraft.